My Diary, by Lt. Kruger, Entry #46

Entry #46

I met Horn grazing. I nodded to him as I passed him, and he stood up and asked me, quietly, "Are you...okay, Lieutenant?"

"Yes. Why do you ask?" I replied brusquely. I wondered whether he'd observed my struggle at the pond. And whether he would have done anything to stop me.

He shrugged and wiped some greenish dribble from the corner of his lip.

"Well, you seem...kinda stressed," he said.

"Ya think?" was all I said to him, with a sardonic sneer, and continued on my way. I refused to allow him to lecture me again on how much better I'd feel if I just went and gave in to Kathryn.

He tagged after me. "Hey, listen--! I know I rag on you a fair bit," he said, rolling his eyes, "--but after what you've been through this morning...you, ah, want me to have a word with her, or something? Ask her to back off?"

Now he wants to help, eh...?

"Oh, good Lord, no!" I protested. "That would be too awkward." Not to mention socially unacceptable and humiliating...

He grunted. "Well, I kind of hoped the wallow in the pond might wash off that deodorant. And, er...her sister told her to put on a shirt before she gave you an aneurism."

So it had been that obvious, had it...?

I stopped walking, drooped my head, and heaved a sigh.

"I'd rather not talk about it. I...really don't want to think about it."

"For what it's worth--she's really embarrassed about her behaviour," Horn told me. "When we were in the pond, she said she didn't know what came over her back at the camp. She was afraid she'd offended you. That you were angry at her and thought she was some kind of brazen hussy."

"Well, she is," I sniffed. "She's become the very sort of lust-crazed brute I abhor."

"If she's in heat, it isn't her fault," Horn reminded me.

"A rational person can control their emotions," I retorted indignantly.

"Said the guy who trashed his tent last night." replied Horn darkly.

"Horn--butt out!" I snapped, stalking away.

"You want me to help you with her, or not?" he called irritably.

"I think I can do without your help, Mister Horn!" I snarled, and continued around the pond to where the girls were packing up to resume our hike.

I noticed that Kathryn had, in fact, donned a shirt over the thin tank-top she'd been wearing for most of the forenoon. She was fastening the buttons as I approached, and greeted me, "Oh, there you are! Hey--are you okay? You've been kind of...irritable lately. I can't help thinking it's my fault."

She seemed to be back to her old self, which was a relief. Perhaps she had passed out of oestrus already...? Or maybe it was just the deodorant, after all. I adjusted my glasses and told her, "I'm sorry, I'm just...distracted. On edge. I...haven't been sleeping very well of late..."

She gestured at the trunk, and suggested that I ought to take a nap in it for a while, while they walked. I tried to demur that doing so was against both regulations and social convention, but in a trice she scooped me up and, over my loud and panicked squeals of protestation, dumped me into the box and ordered me to take a nap.

I was ashamed that I had made a scene thinking that she was trying once again to pounce upon me, and even more ashamed to realize that I was disappointed that she had been serious about the nap. She actually seemed to have lost all interest in me in that way, as she tucked me in and told me that she needed me alert and on top of my game, not strung out and cranky like I was. I tried to cover my chagrin by pouting over being treated like a child, but the sad fact is, I dozed off within seconds, I was that exhausted.


I woke up a short time later. Somehow Horn had been able to mimic my voice well enough to get the trunk to follow them--and he seemed sheepishly proud of his ability, which only made me angrier at him for once again talking about me behind my back, telling the girls Heavens-only-knew what about me. All I know is that I awoke to hear them discussing why I was so reluctant to have sex with Kathryn.

I really could do without his "help."

Angrily, I explained to them that this was exactly why the Brigade discouraged displays of affection among its members--that it was distracting us from our mission and jeapordizing the safety of the unit. "It's not rocket science!" I insisted. "If it was, then hyenas would never have thought of it!"

I then commanded Horn to stop undermining my authority, Sandy to stop disobeying my orders, and Kathryn--to just keep away from me. She folded her arms and informed me dryly that I could stop worrying about my virtue, because as it turned out, her swim in the pond really had washed away the last traces of the cursed deodorant, and that she felt nothing for me now, so I could relax.

In a slightly more conciliatory tone, she also apologised to me for having chased me all over the place earlier, admitting that she felt stupid about it, and promising that it wouldn't happen again. "So--we're good, then?" she concluded with a hopeful shrug.

I did not wish to argue with her. If she wanted to make the effort to control herself, I would play along with her by pretending to believe it had all been the fault of the deodorant. To be honest, I really couldn't detect any more of that mind-numbingly pleasant aroma--in fact, she pretty much smelled like pond water--so perhaps what she was telling me was the truth.

"Yes, I think we're 'good,'" I agreed, and was troubled to realize that I was not the least bit happy over this turn of events.

I gave it some considerable thought, though, as we trudged along, and later that afternoon I decided that it was a good thing that she was not really in heat, after all, because it put far too much pressure on us too early in our relationship. I told her that it would be better for us to get to know each other before we were married, so that when the time came, there would be a greater level of trust between us and we would be far more comfortable with each other.

I was also able to admit to her that I was feeling very confused and conflicted, because I had never expected to be attracted to my destined mate, and so had spent my life putting all thoughts of romance out of my mind. I told her I had been trained to disassociate myself from sentimentality, with the view of rendering our union little more than a business arrangement.

"I'm sorry I came along and spoiled your plans," she said as I helped her across a small brook.

"That's sarcasm, isn't it?" I asked her.

The brush had turned into woods, and as we made our way through it, I continued to hold her hand--or she continued to hold mine; it wasn't exactly a conscious decision upon the part of either of us, we just did not let go after we'd crossed the creek. Somehow, it just felt like the right thing to do. As I pushed aside some branches I told her "I should like to feel more...comfortable...with you, before we attempt to engage in anything so...personal. If it did not go...well...it could colour our relations for the rest of our lives."

"That's a possibility," she agreed, helping me separate some tangled twigs to open our path, "But we could also keep working at it until we got it right, you know."

I stopped and turned to regard her. She smiled a little and shrugged her eyebrows.

"You certainly make a very compelling argument, Ma'am," I told her.

The woods gave out onto a dry wash channel, and as I helped her clamber up the steep embankment, she told me "I know you've been brought up to believe you were going to be some kind of slave, but I want us to be equals--mutually supportive of each other. I don't want to spend my life ordering you about..."

Her words took me by surprise. Not that I was not delighted to hear them, but guyenas are very much second-class citizens. "You--want me to be your equal, Ma'am?" I asked, carefully, just to make certain I had heard her right.

"Sure. Why not?"

She had turned around on her knees at the top of the embankment and put her arms out to me to help me climb up.

I was both flattered and humbled that she wanted me to be her equal. I did not know whether I should tell her just what that pronouncement entailed, especially as it pertained to the running of the country. It was looking like my job would be much easier to perform than I had anticipated.

We linked arms as I told her, "You honour me, Ma'am."

She hauled me up the embankment as she said, "Business arrangement, or marriage--if we're gonna be stuck together for life, we may as well try to make it a good one. I need you to be an equal partner to me, Louie. I need you to help me run this place, and to be the one person I can always count on being able to trust."

Now I felt a little awkward, knowing what I did about my mother's Plan for her...I did not think that particular moment would be a good time to mention this, though. I could feel the dirt of the embankment crumbling under my claws as I scrabbled to find a toehold. Only her firm grip on my arms prevented me from tumbling backwards to the bottom of the scarp.

"We need to do everything we can to make this work," she went on, as I clawed for a hand-hold on the grass, and she leaned over to grab me by the belt and drag me the rest of the way over the edge of the cliff. "Cuz if it doesn't, what am I supposed to do--take lovers? Yuck! No thank you!"

She looked down at me as I lay panting on the grass. She flicked some bits of dirt out of my hair with the tip of her finger. "For better or worse, you're it, kiddo!" she reminded me, with a crooked, fond smile.

I rolled into a sitting posture. I was touched by her left-handed declaration of devotion, but the pedant in me just would not accept it with the grace and honesty it deserved. "Well, actually--a normal sheyena would--"

She frowned and interrupted me with indignation. "Hey! In case you haven't noticed--I ain't no 'normal' sheyena!"

I shook my head. "No, Ma'am...you are a freak among freaks," I agreed with a sigh.

She folded her arms and nodded with pride. "Damn straight!"

As we sat on the crest of the bank, and looked back at how far we had come to reach this point, she asked me in a smaller voice, "What about you, Louie? What if I fail to live up to your expectations?"

That was certainly an interesting question, and I gave it some serious thought--actually, I had been giving it serious thought for some time now. Since the truth would take far too long, I sighed and replied in a near-monotone, "That is not possible, Ma'am. I don't have any expectations."

She scoffed, "Oh, come now! Surely--!"

I plucked a stem of grass and pulled it through my fingertips. "I have been trained to do a job, Ma'am...and that job is--to love you alone; to make you happy; and to do nothing which would contradict your wishes; this is my destiny and the meaning of my life." Without looking at her face, I tied the stem into a knot and tossed it over the cliff. "Granted, that job has gotten a lot easier to perform recently..." I added in a wry murmur. I sighed, and added, "I only hope I do not disappoint you, Ma'am."

She leaned on one arm, smiled at me, and assured me, "Don't worry, Lieutenant--I'm sure you'll do me just fine!"

I blinked and looked at her quickly, and wondered whether she'd meant that double-entendre. She smiled at me with her eyes half closed. She leaned back a little on one arm as if inviting me to come closer. I felt my ears go hot. As did...other things.

To cover my embarrassment I scrambled to my feet and chuckled nervously, "Oh, you Americans, with your idiomatic slang--!" I waved a chiding finger at her. "I guess I shall just have to get used to the occasional malapropism!"

"Yyyeah," she agreed, extending an arm to me to help pull her to her feet.

As she stood up, she told me, "Listen, Louie--and this isn't just the deodorant talking--I'm becoming...rather fond of you. I'm...enjoying having you around. I like spending time with you, and I'm looking forward to...well, to spending even more time with you. I really do want this thing to work out!"

My heart leaped, and I felt a sense of warm affection flood through me. It just about took my breath away. I was still holding her hands in mine, and I gazed at her and told her with all sincerity, "Ma'am--I will do my best to make you fondle me..."

She giggled through her nose and struggled to surpress a smirk.

"Fond OF me!" I squealed, shrinking back from her in mortification, "Fond OF me!"

"I know what you meant," she smiled, then leaned over and gave me a quick, soft kiss on my blazing cheek. That was all. She shrugged her pack onto her shoulders, flicked her tail and started off again with bouncy strides. "C'mon, Louie--we've gotta go catch up with Horn and Sandy before they think we died or something!"

I touched my cheek with my fingertips and gazed after her. She did not see me grin.